“What’s The Deal With Pain?” by Cait Seymour, Fiat Ventures
I love a good story. Doesn’t everyone? Today’s readings tell the story of our human struggle to understand pain. It’s a challenging story, and a beautiful one.
I think we can all relate to the first reading. I certainly can. I’m often I frustrated with God, angry and confused over the troubles I see in the world. I look at destruction and cry out, “Why?!” I used to live in South Sudan, a war-torn and starving country. I witnessed unimaginable pain. Every time I think of it, I am furious at the evil causing those people so much suffering. I am furious at large-scale evil all over the world (Syria, 9-11, genocide, abortion). Then sometimes I look at my own little life and cry out, “Why?!” My mother recently struggled through a bout with leukemia. It seems like everywhere I turn, people are hurting. Do you ever get overwhelmed by this too?
When I say, “Why is this happening?” I’m really saying “God, how could You allow this?!” I refuse to accept any of it, but at the same time I want to be a person of faith and trust in God. I’m torn. And it tears me apart. I remember recently, driving to the hospital on the morning our priest was giving my mom the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick. She had been unconscious for days, and we were pretty sure she was going to die that day. I listened to Hillary Scott’s Thy Will Be Done on repeat, and tried to force myself to desire whatever was God’s will (you know, because I’m so holy and all…). But I couldn’t. As I sobbed, my prayer turned into “Mom better survive. I mean it, God. You better prove to me that You are good! Or else!” Or else what, I wasn’t sure. But I was serious. And then I waited.
I hate waiting to see if my plans turn out right, don’t you? But you know what they say: when we make plans, God laughs. So don’t be surprised if you have to be adaptable every now and then. My mom miraculously survived (no thanks to my threats to God, I’m sure, but still). Sometimes, things turn out great! And I sheepishly say, “Okay God. You know what You’re doing.” But sometimes things turn out not great. People die. Terrible things happen. Those I lament because I don’t understand. The beautiful thing about our faith, though, is that the story doesn’t end there! We are promised understanding when we reach Heaven.
Heaven gives us hope! The fulfillment in the first reading is Christ. And he returns to us every day in our hearts, our friends, our families, and in Heaven. How amazing is it that we get Heaven?! Are you suffering today? Are you reeling in pain? Are you angry? Hold onto Heaven. Hold onto Hope. Do what I say and not what I do, because most of the time I forget that it’s bad form to threaten God. (I’m 110 lbs. soaking wet, but I’m sure my ultimatums must terrify Him.) Thankfully, He doesn’t strike me down. The second reading explains why.
We are called “Beloved”. Even through my outrageous defiance, I am still God’s Beloved. Wow! I don’t deserve it, but I’ll take it! Timothy reminds us that God doesn’t get mad at us for questioning Him. He loves us! He is gentle with our broken souls, and encourages us all to just trust. Then Timothy reminds us that we all have power and self-control. We have free will. It’s funny – none of us are willing to give up our free will, but we want God to take away other peoples’. Isn’t that what we’re asking when we yell at God to control things, and fix evil? We can’t have it both ways.
Timothy reminds us of Jesus’ command to pick up our crosses and follow him. Sometimes that cross is my own struggle, and sometimes it’s watching people I love bear theirs. Which is harder for you to do, be in pain or watch loved ones suffer? How heavy is your cross today? Is it unbearable? Impossible? God will give you the strength! He will give you the tools to cope with heartache. The best tool is prayer. The song Thy Will Be Done prayed for me as I drove to what should have been my mother’s deathbed. As I sobbed too hard to speak, the angels sang for me. What a gift. Are angels carrying you today? Try to see them.
After the comforting second reading, the Gospel was hard to hear. I was taken down a peg. I was reminded that I’m not created to serve my own interests. (“But wait! I’m the most important thing in the world! …Aren’t I?”) It takes a lot of encouragement to swallow the Gospel fact that I do not exist to serve myself. I exist to follow Christ. He is not in the business of taking orders from me. He knows better. It’s a blow to my ego, but it’s true. If I follow Christ’s direction instead, it will make me the most good. I so much want to be good. I know it will make me the most happy and fulfilled.
We were not made so that we could see God’s Plan. That would be too easy, and there would be no merit in following Him. It takes an act of faith, a venture of belief, to trust that He does have a plan, and it’s the best one. And even when suffering comes, or violence, misery, hopelessness, fear, or evil…don’t forget: we have the hope of Heaven!